Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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