I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
