capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
