Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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