Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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