Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
