My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
