I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
