the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
