so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
