my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
