tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
