Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
