I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
