I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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