Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
