i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You have to summon your inner elephant
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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