My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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