I just pynch a tree in the face
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
