but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
