I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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