i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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