Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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