Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
