so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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