Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
that may or may not have been my penis.
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