I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
