There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
