Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
