My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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