when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
