My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
