i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
