We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize