Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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