Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
