either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
