update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
