First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
