my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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