How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize