she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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