I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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