I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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