i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
