Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
