I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
