Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
