I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
