I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Houston, we have a squirter
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
