No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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