I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
