It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
