Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
