Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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