were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
