my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
