I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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