Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Jerry, you need to find god
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
