Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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