R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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