Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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