It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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