I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I think my moral compass just broke
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
