Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize