Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
