I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
